"Rocking the Sternum"

Be it a snaggle tooth, apple bottom, or rogue hammer toe, we all have at least one physical flaw that keeps us from being the "perfect" specimen. [Yes, even Megan Fox has a crazy clubbed thumb, courtesy of a condition called brachydactyly.] And thanks to the repetitive subject material for popular rap songs, most of us get to frequently drop it to beats about our own disproportionate backsides.

Get yo fine self on the flo', dis yo soul!
...Shake ya ass, watch yourself.

Couldn't have said it better myself, Mystikal. [If, in fact, this is actually what you were trying to articulate in that song. One can never be certain with you.] Regardless, some ten years later and I still can't get your spastic attempts at rapping out of my head.

Anyway, while I--and I'm assuming most of you-- have escaped the perils of clubbed appendages and chronic bursts of verbal garble, genetics do seem to encode a little bit of irony into each little bundle of joy.

Take, for example, the undeniable fact that there are fifth graders walking this earth with larger chests than you, a full grown 22 year old female. And by you I mean me. Dammit. There's something rather cruel about a world in which walking past an elementary school can inspire cleavage envy. Whatever. At least I --and my small chest-- am able to cross the street on my own.

This being said, there is a little something I like to call "rocking the sternum" that has finally helped me to embrace my own lack of cleavage. While all around thinness may be in now, remember back to your middle school days. (A period I now refer to as THE DARK YEARS.) That gangly creature in the jazz band uniform? Not so cute back then. Thankfully, with age comes grace. And by grace I mean not grace at all, but money to buy strategic and expensive clothing to trick others into thinking that your awkward limbs and flat chest are "edgy."

Rocking the sternum, like a fine cheese or a small child, must be treated with the proper tools. No one should leave an expensive cheese unattended. Likewise, but to a lesser degree, with the small child.

Some quick information on "Rocking the Sternum"

1) Let's hope you know this, but the sternum is your breast bone. This is visible on those without large chests.

2) V-necks specifically are friends of sternum rocking. The "v" shape displays the full faculties of a high class sternum.

3) Be sure to take care of your sternum skin, ladies! No crepey business --or biznasty I should say. Sunscreen, sunscreen, sunscreen, or you're quickly following in the footsteps of those old potato ladies you see on the beach. You know what I'm talking about.

4) Without a large chest, apparel choices that could teeter on the edge of trashy suddenly become chic. Low cut shirts? No problem. After all, what is there to show but that fabulous sternum! Short dresses/skirts/shorts? Leg is allowed when nothing is spilling out on top.

5) Whenever using the phrase "Rocking the Sternum," one must accompany this with a chest shimmy. You are, after all, a brave pioneer, and must behave as such. (This probably should have been first on the list, being as it is obviously crucial.)

6) Enjoy the ability to sleep on your stomach after partying for hours with your sternum. Your bosom-y friends are stuck with fewer options for sleeping positions. HAHA, suckers.


A certain sibling of mine texts, "I think you should write about people who wear tube tops and then a bra with clear plastic straps that cut into their flesh."

I shudder, gather my strength, and begin preparing for my next entry.