Ribbed Sweater Fabrics: Just Say No.

But she looks so confident!, you argue as you flip and/or click toward the order page.

Listen to me carefully.
Drop that [insert middle tier retailer] catalog/ad immediately, and try to envision the following hypothetical situation:

It's a brisk autumn day, and you're trying to figure out what to wear to the office. You check the clock- woops! Need to be out the door in ten minutes. You quickly grab that ribbed turtleneck sweater you bought the other week, a pair of slim cut trousers, and a hot pocket (just kidding, you actually grab a special K bar-- you've fallen prey to the atrocity that is Kellog's Special K's "diet" plan and ONLY consume miniature Special K products all day, much to their corporate marketing team's delight. But I digress...)

As you drive to work, you have one hand on the wheel, with the other feeding yourself your breakfast. Arriving at the office, you note a feeling of inbalance. Why so suddenly and inexplicably uncomfortable? You, despite my warnings, have worn a garment made of ribbed sweater fabric!!!

As you were consuming your "hearty" 90 calorie breakfast, your feeding arm was bending at a significantly faster rate than your steering arm. Even upon arriving at the office, the elbow of your sweater on the feeding side has stretched out to massive proportions. Coworkers pass, staring at the large fabric bulge protruding from your now straightened right arm. Is she carrying a ham in there? A small child?? they secretly wonder.

Now, in order to make it through the day, you--the unfortunate ribbed sweater wearer-- has two options to negotiate the situation:

1) Roll or bunch up the sleeves of the sweater, in an attempt for a "casual" J.Crew-esque work look. (Unfortunately, this move is more believable with blazers, non-ribbed cardigan sweaters, etc. Most perceptive coworkers will still know something is amiss. Plus, bunchy ribbed-sweater fabric is most uncomfortable to lean upon, so your elbows may sustain some level of rug burn and/or deep ribbed skin impressions.)

2) Keep your elbows at a 90 degree angle all day. The bent elbows will mask the sweater bulge
(though the bulge, upon heading home, will now be of biblical proportions).
Those who spend most of the work day typing at a computer may in fact be able to achieve this sort of marathon arm-bend without the notice of others. Most likely, however, you risk appearing decidedly like a T. Rex, with your bent arms looking feeble, impractical, and unable to support the demands of your lumbering sweatered body.


Now back to that sweater you were insisting on purchasing?

Thought so.
And the next time you feel yourself weakening at the sight of a misleading sweater ad, just remember this:
Fabric bulges, almost 100% of the time, are an aesthetically narsty situation for all parties involved: wearer, coworker, and unsuspecting observer alike.

P.S. I have consciously refrained from spiraling into a rant about that THING around the woman's waist in this particular advertisement, or about the fact that she has an upper hip grazing ribbed turtleneck sweater paired with leggings. There are certain faux pas that are too obvious to even spend time blogging about.