On the terrors of "relaxed fit" denim...

I cannot even articulate the level of despair I feel upon viewing a new case of "phantom diaper syndrome." Many a young thang has desecrated his svelte figure by poor choice in the denim department.

This ailment, though present in some extremely careless women, is particularly lethal and widespread in the male population, ages 17-30.

So what exactly are the causes of said syndrome?
"RELAXED FIT" denim!!! And if the denim is medium wash??? Immediate (social) denigration.

I caution: Do not be fooled by the euphemistic nature of hangtags reading "relaxed fit" on men's jeans. A relaxed cut to denim essentially condemns the wearer to a visibly lower and flatter backside. My calculations find 2 inches to be the magic "sag factor" associated with an offending vs non-offending pair of jeans. Sag factor is calculated through a highly complex mathematical equation involving ratio of perceived BOC (bottom of cheek) to perceived backward extension in 3-D space.

I have found that when the sag factor for a particular denim-clad male broaches the 2 inch barrier, surrounding females experience a physical force (akin to the resistance demonstrated when placing like poles of two magnets together) which propels them away from the offending phantom diaper. Essentially, if the downward sag of one's denim is greater than the perceived outward extension of one's backside, to the 2nd degree, the forces of nature intervene to protect innocent passerby. Contact with phantom diaper is both unsettling and unsafe, especially for those of frailer constitution.

So why do I write about denim, specifically? The innate weight of denim as a fabric itself tends to aggravate the gravitational pull associated with a more generous trouser cut. While relaxed fit khakis can look tolerable--if not tired and dated--relaxed fit denim is far more weighty and far more dangerous.

Tread with caution, my precious blog readers.