The Demise of Costume Jewelry: Lessons in Mass Market Beastliness

I love costume jewelry—don’t get me wrong. But as with every other product category and its related trends, mass production often manages to so exaggerate the initial charm of an idea that the result is a beast of a hotmess of a damn shame.

Prowling the streets of Soho on the second to last of my summer Fridays, I naturally find myself looking for jewelzz. Except on this particular day, something is amiss. Epiphany—that wonderful defense mechanism against brainwashing—strikes. Bauble-strewn costume jewelry in its current form is so over. And not over in a graceful, bowing out kind of way. Over in that everywhere from Aldo (Whaa??) to Bloomingdales has a surplus of over-the-top, cheap mixed media insanity certain to give the wearer both a backache and a mystery rash. Unabashed overabundance. Some one grab me a chamomile tea, I’m all riled up!

Now I am all for large neck ornamentation. In fact large collars, jewelzz, etc. have become my long term, go-to method of distracting from a lack of other assets. [See my previous post on “Rocking the Sternum”…] Neck ornamentation, however, must still be strategic even in an age of “more is more” mentality.

If your necklace weighs approximately the same as a medium sized pet, dinner plate, or small infant, perhaps it is time to step away from the jewelry tub and have a serious talk with yourself. And admit it: at this point, who can actually fit all of their enormously sized costume accessories in a jewelry box anymore? A tub is what you have and a tub is what you must admit to having! A traditional jewelry box is the size of one BEAD on your H&M tomfoolery you call a necklace.

I have developed a set of questions to ask oneself when shopping now for costume jewelry:

1. Is this _____________ than my own head?

a. Smaller

b. The same size as

c. Larger

2. Could I operate heavy machinery comfortably and competently while wearing this?

3. Are each of the elements on the periodic table represented in the different materials on this piece?

Answers:

1. B & C are causes for concern. Drop it like it’s hot and step away from that bauble!

2. If “no” assess the costs of loss of mobility in the context of day-to-day life and normal physical functioning.

3. One should probably not attempt to be a collared, walking high school chemistry lesson on the wide number of existing solid compounds (or liquids/gasses for that matter….)

In conclusion I will like to warn against what can be called “The Christmas Tree Aesthetic.” One does not need to appear as if ornamented for some sort of festival business on the day to day. Amen.