You know what I’m talking about. Those damn C’s, G’s and LV’s (or, equally as bad: those mutilated, distorted black market versions of the same alpha/numeric luxury imagery). Why do I consider both a real and a fake “G” emblazoned canvas wristlet in the same category? Well, frankly speaking, they’re both equally subpar. Only our smug luxury-obsessed culture has falsely trained our eyes to see the real logo covered Gucci bag as more attractive than the fake. Sure it may be made of better quality materials, but the styling is still an aesthetic catastrophe.
As the result of deep philosophic ponderings, a good friend of mine has coined the phrase, “the Goach phenomenon.”
A short lesson on this “Goach” business:
Let us hope that my readership is comprised of individuals insightful enough to deduct that “Goach” represents a dastardly, faux Gucci and Coach hybrid product. Imagine some sort of twisted, backwards alphabetic garble stamped on a cheaply made wallet bought on Canal St. This particular name combination can stand symbolically for the whole of intertwined luxury and faux logo culture, however, and will do so for the purposes of this post.
1) 1) From whence did the Goach cometh? From whence shall it leaveth?
Goach was birthed from the loins of an ostentatious desire for traceable displays of money and class. How can I, the aspirational consumer, signal to as many passerby as possible that I am wealthy and important? That I am relevant and on my way to do relevant, cool things? How about huge, obnoxious letters covering the surface of every accessory that I own... for a start?
Sadly, I cannot say when Goach shall leaveth. My prediction is that it won’t go quietly, and that it most certainly won’t be pretty. Perhaps with some sort of explosive final flourish of poorly stitched pleather or logo burdened leather will Goach rise defiantly into the night sky.
2)
That’s easy: the Big Tymerz. Let me recall that work of lyrical genius, “Still Fly” :
“Ain’t got no job, but I stay sharp
Can’t pay my rent, cus all my money’s spent,
But that’s ok cause I’m still fly…
…
The Gucci with the matchin interior,
3 wheel ride with the tire in the middle…
The steering wheel is Fendi, dashboard Armani,
Where your baby mama play is where you can find me”
This, naturally, continues throughout the course of the song. Goach was elated at this plug. No money for food, gas, liiiife? That’s ok as long as you have logos covering your car and body.
In this case, the logos were real but at that point what sane person cares? Can’t eat em’. (Although judging from Baby and Birdman's waistlines, they must have found a way around this minor problem...) Of course the slo-mo, booty poppin' "reality" of rap videos is only slightly different than real life. Guess Goach wins on this one.
3) And Goach’s arch rival? The one hope for respectability in a sea of offensive branded or faux branded accessories?
The refined.
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