Census 2010: Are you a member of the Sparkly Top, Flare Leg Jean (ST-FLJ) demographic?

Good lord, let us hope not!

***[At this moment in my blog writing, a dubious man in relaxed fit denim paired with running shoes walked into the gallery and proceeded to ask me to drinks. Oh, and he sells rocking chairs for a living. If this is what the future looks like, I am fearful. Very fearful.

If you have not already, see my previous posts for my thoughts on relaxed fit denim and running shoes worn outside of athletic activity…then commence to pray for their extinction.]***

Anyway, back to ST-FLJ:

Nowadays, the key to the proper nighttime outfit is subtlety. One should not look as if going out has been carefully planned and predetermined. One’s outfit should not appear to scream, “My name is _______ and I am going out tonight!” This applies to both the male and female population. Nothing worse than a boldly colored, widely striped button down on a dark ground and overly designed cross-hatched denim, paired with slick hair and heavy cologne. Those vertical stripes on your “going out shirt” may be huge, but they aren’t fooling anyone into thinking that you are taller than your natural born 5’4”.

But my main focus today shall be the females of the Sparkly Top, Flare Leg Jean subsect of society. It quite boggles my mind that a substantial portion of women automatically reach for something shiny when they decide to make plans after a certain hour of the evening.

Riddle me this: Why? Are you afraid a truck may come barreling through the bar and the driver may not see you in his path unless your body is covered with sparkly polyester in halter-top form?

I’m not saying that I am opposed to all things that reflect light. I do, however, think that execution is crucial when sparkles are involved. Sparkles are tricky little devils after all. And commonly scratchy. In general, one should avoid a high scratch factor in one’s outfit if hoping to have an enjoyable evening. Trust.

Now about those flare leg jeans you’ve decided to add to the mix. HmMmMMmmmZZZz… how DOES one begin to explain the problem here? There is something inherently womp womp about a flare leg in 2010. In an age where sculptural and streamlined silhouettes are mainstream, the sparkly top and flare leg combo stamp the wearer as an emblem of high school nostalgia. It really is time to let go. It is proven fact that members of the ST-FLJ stronghold are often ostracized in modern, upscale bar settings as those who do not belong. The sparkles, unfortunately, are not redirecting enough light to blind the surrounding observers into thinking that the wearer[s] know what they are doing, where they are, or—more often than not—how they got there.

I could go on, yet I do end this post on a concession. There have been times when I’ve (literally) found myself exclaiming, Why! Why is he choosing her? BUT SHE’S WEARING FLARES!!?? AND FOAM PLATFORM ROCKETDOG FLIPFLOPS!

Members of the ST-FLJ group do have a surprising knack for attracting men when in some sort of seedy fratty bar-like setting. Perhaps the combination of stimuli overload, sparkles, and cliché 80s jams like Pour Some Sugar On Me (no. never.) disorient normally level headed fellows into becoming temporary ST-FLJ groupies. Perhaps I should be telling my readers to dress as blatantly “going-out shirt-y” as possible, instead of the exact opposite. I must remain firm, however, in my assertion that the sparkly top is not where it’s at. Let us, in any case, hope the 2010 census measures the ST-FLJ ranks as dwindling.