Because judging from recent sightings, this really does merit more discussion.
It has recently come to my attention (not to quote the Chloe Sevigny youtube spoofs) that there are several components differentiating an inoffensive white shoe from a dreadfully ambiguous white sneaker. Think Converse vs. any of the above footly delinquents. I'm speaking mostly about males here, as almost all modern day females have thankfully steered clear of this particular offense.
For newer readers: Please refer to my first white sneaker post for an introduction to the terrors of said ambiguity. Essentially, I concluded with the following:
A large white lumbering object on the foot is a sure fire buzz kill/swag kill/game kill.
And yes, I do speak from experience as an innocent bystander caught off guard by a STEALTH ambiguous white sneaker quietly tucked under the pants of a potential suitor. As I've said before, good thing I've got eyes like a hawk for things like this!
Anyway, onwards to new realizations about the issue at hand.
The following are the primary attributes of an ambiguous white sneaker:
1. That chunk-nasty sole: Really, any casual shoe with a noticeably tall/springy looking sole makes the wearer look slightly bewildered or out of place. Think: child, senior citizen, tourist aesthetic. Not particularly a smooth shoe. Not particularly a wise shoe. Platform soled shoes for men really haven't been acceptable since the 70s. And even then, the platforms were not of the rubbery/athletic variety. On top of all of this, recall that anything in white looks doubly large. So white + chunk + foot = spongey lumbering mess. Now that's a foul equation if I ever saw one.
2. A criss-cross velco strap: Though not on every ambiguous white shoe, this attribute denotes one specific subclass of the larger group: the stereotypical "Euro" sneaker. Let us recall the reason for velcro to be a shoe in the first place: the inability to tie one's laces. Thus, velcro straps poking out of a pant rarely appear adult and never appear streamlined. The sound of velcro is equivalent to the sound of your swag frantically scrambling away from yo misguided self.
3. Skewed toe-width to arch-width to heel-width ratio: (See 3rd picture from the top above.) Hourglass figures are ideal for female bodies, and not for much else in this world. So riddle me this: why in the Sam Hill would a straight male want to artificially create a feminine silhouette with his footwear? There is something incredibly offputting about a heavy, wide heel tapering into a feminine arch. And looorddd when a wide toe is thrown into the mix, all aesthetic hell breaks loose down there. Eek!
What to conclude from all of this? As I've said before, and I'll say once more: Males, exalt the slender soled canvas shoe!
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