Our dear old friend, the "CZ" Stud

One of my fabulous scouts has alerted me to a most unfortunate issue. An issue that I naively believed to be buried in the early 2000's. An issue that appears much more resistant to the purifying nature of cyclical fashionbiotics than I had hoped.

Now this isssssh(u) needs to be handled with a delicate hand, as it centers around a most delicate topic of taste in jewlz.

So let's get "real" here: nothing screams questionability like a massive cubic zirconia square-cut stud pulling down on ones earlobe.

Number one: We all know that a rock that size cannot exist outside of the Tower of London. Why must absurd exaggeration be the choice here? Particularly where diamond size is concerned, there is a steeply sloped bell-curve of believability. Something a little more subtle could in fact be perceived as legitimate. Oh the perils of catching the Diamondique bug!

Number two: We can hear your earlobe wailing and gnashing it's metaphoric teeth from here. For goodness sake, free the poor lobe from it's bedazzled torment!

Now, I must confess to owning a pair of cz's back in the day. This was approximately during the same time period when I deemed it appropriate to be wearing Air Force Ones. We must all forgive ourselves for stylistic transgressions of yesteryear. The important point here is that in 2010 there are many wonderful options for ear ornaments besides cubic zirconia - or real diamonds for that matter.

A few thoughts on Halloween Costumes

Being that the parasitic "Spirit of Halloween" seasonal franchise is in full throttle, it is probably about that time again to consider the thought process behind poor choices in Halloween costumes.

I'm pretty sure ALL of us have a few mis-steps in our past. See: freshman year "Strawberry Shortcake" costume, childhood "Hershey Kiss" costume that unfortunately appeared more like the garb of a racial extremist sect than a chocolately treat... (the list continues).

Thankfully, every Halloween is a new opportunity to make up for the errors of the past. So what exactly DOES qualify as a good costume?

1) Culturally irrelevant figure, clutch style. Think: Linda Hogan. This allows the wearer to dress in absurd, over the top "trendy" clothing of poor taste. On no other day of the year could this be at all a positive. A perfect excuse to venture into some sort of hot mess of a trashy retailer and not wear a ski mask.

2) Odd consumer packaged good. Think: box of Wet Naps. Sartorial accuracy gets bonus points here. Mixed media, paper products, and bizarre household materials are all up for grabs. This is the only opportunity to relive "anything but clothes" themes, post college.

3) Washed up musician. Think: Ja Rule. Study obscure music videos from the early 2000s. Learn outdated dance movies. Embrace unfortunate temporary hairstyles.

4) Faux social "concept." Think: Wangsta. Simultaneously embody all cliches of the character type at once. Deliciously obnoxious.

Happy Halloween!

Swag Alert: The Power of the Slim Cut Suit

Inspired by my recent viewing of The Social Network (Holla Eduardo and yo fine fine self), I find it to be an appropriate time to articulate my theories on the slim cut suit.

At times erroneously dismissed as "European" by members of the mainstream male population, the silhouette of a slim cut suit more than makes up for in swag what it lacks in fabric volume. Now, I'm not talking skin tight. And I am most certainly not talking about pompous quaffing and flashy expensive hooplah. We shall leave that to the fools who believe that arrogance in dress is at all relevant or attractive.

Let us now return to the issue at hand: the inherent swag of a wonderfully understated slim cut blazer and pant. It is inspiring to see that while women have been dressing to fit their bodies for years (with only a few trip ups along the way--> see: hoop skirts, mom jeans, etc.), now straight men are finally realizing that it is okay wear clothing that accepts a live human form underneath. Fancy that!

I'd venture to say the male torso is somewhat of an ellipsoid. A freely moving ellipsoid with appendages that function to feed, dress, and groom the male. Whatever the case, this torso is not a rectangle, so why cloth it in conventional "generous" suiting that is shaped as such? Seems a little deceptive if you ask me. And we mustn't be deceptive now.

This all understood, I do realize that the slim cut suit may be frightening to newbies. Here are my points of advice on proper execution:

1. Start with a darker, non-patterned suit. All sorts of bad things can happen when an unruly plaid or paisley is introduced to the situation. When one is more comfortable, one can venture into slim stripes in lightweight, casual textiles.

2. For more casual environments, a strategic unbuttoning of TWO topmost buttons on the shirt underneath is permitted. No more or you will, without fail, be perceived as a damn fool.
While I'm at it, it goes without saying that a shirt must be worn underneath. Eek. The folly of some lost lambs!

3. Tightness quotient: purchase a pant that follows the lines of the backside and legs, NOT one that grips them for dear life. Alternately, there should also be no excess fabric saggage chilling on the back of the upper thigh region of the suit pant. The pant (and the blazer similarly) should NOT be able to comfortably house a Christmas ham or woodland creature.

4. Shoe choice is crucial here. Let's walk away from the clunky. And away from the square toe as well. Let us don a nice slim oxford. Let us give thanks.


Follow these and swag will follow shortly thereafter. Predictable little bugger.

Commuter Fashion: Sneakers, Boxy Suits, and all sorts of Blasphemy

We’ve all seen it. Perhaps some of us have even done it. I myself may proudly say I have trekked to and from work in platform heels most days this summer, with the occasional change to metallic flats when necessity demanded. Never, ever, did I don a sneaker with any of my work outfits. Not even on casual Fridays when we are allowed to wear jeans to work. This may be extreme behavior, but I’m a walking illustration of an important point, damnit!

I understand the restrictions associated with having foot problems. Due to an unfortunate spill freshman year of college, I myself have remnants of an untreated fractured foot as well as a history of several stress fractures since that time. Never stopped meeeeeEe from donning respectable shoes during the work week.

My long-winded point here is that ambiguous white running sneakers with business suits is a MOST dreadful and unnecessary assault on the eyes of unsuspecting fellow commuters. [See related: my previous post entitled “The Ambiguous White Sneaker.”]

With the exception of the very aged, there is WITHOUT DOUBT some sort of shoe entity besides that of the athletic variety that is functional and comfortable enough to carry your body a few blocks to the subway. Face it, unless your commute to work on the island of Manhattan involves,

a) Cardio acrobatics (and I say cardio here because normal acrobatics can be performed barefoot or in a deliciously soft-soled shoe)

b) Hurdling objects taller than 3 feet above ground level

Or

c) Darting around defensive linemen

it is probably better to preserve your dignity than to don a clunky “sneak” (and I’m not being affectionate here) with that pencil skirt/tapered slack/etc. etc. Especially now that brands such as Cole Hann are making business appropriate footwear with comfort technology.

And if you ABSOLUTELY insist to wear some sort of non-boot lace up thang, let me remind you of an old standby and a wonderful footly gem: the Converse shoe. At least with this strategic selection, you’d clearly be saying,

Yes, I am copping out and wearing a non-matching shoe for my work commute, but it is a cool canvas shoe. A culturally relevant canvas shoe. A canvas shoe that does not automatically decrease my attractiveness level to passerby. A canvas shoe that does not assault the integrity of the rest of my outfit.

Oof!

Jeggings: Jigga whaAaaaAt?

Perhaps it is time to discuss the elephant in the room.

You know whatI'mtalkin'bout.

Jeggings.

Now, I'll be the first to admit, I recoiled backward several yards upon first hearing of these bad boys. However, I do admit that certain tasteful mass retailers such as J.Crew and Zara have managed to execute the style in an attractive manner. I myself do not own jeggings in their true form, yet I will nod in respect to another (female) member of society who does choose to wear an appropriately styled pair.

My main concern here, however, is with the backwoods family of jeggings seen most prominently on boardwalks (on BOTH coasts!!) and on the span of Broadway in NYC between 25th and 30th streets. Think: spray painted faux Ed Hardy type deals. Or printed denim on microfiber spandex.

Can someone PLEASE explain the rationale behind printing stitches on leggings? Do you think we can't tell that these "stitches" seem to be quite warped and elongated across the backside of the wearer in question? A most unflattering look indeed! Hundreds of tiny stretchable printed lines charting the undulations of the bod.

Again, correct me if I'm wrong but the main function of leggings should probably be as a streamlining garment. No bulky waistbands or unflattering whiskering commonly seen on jeans. Obnoxious screenprints or spraypainted biznass probably negate any potential figure flattering that a legging could do.

So while I'm still having a rough time coming to terms with what a fly-less crotchal region on the front of a pair of jeggings can do to some wearers choosing to wear shorter length shirts, I will send out a mental peace offering. A tasteful, refined jegging can be executed appropriately. It can "be the right outfit for the daaaay," as little Edie from Grey Gardens would say. But for goodness sakes, let's leave screenprinting to the t-shirt world!

Ruminations

Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally for not blogging in a while.


Inevitably with the onset of fall comes feelings of sentimentality and a desire to scrap the tomfoolery of a sweaty summer in New York. Fashion week works wonders as a little slap to the backside of our collective urban populace. [Ahem: Time to put away those predictable smocked sundresses, myself included...]

So what can fall bring besides untraceable whiffs of smoked sausages and prepackaged Halloween costumes?

Why, I'm so glad you asked!

As far as I'm concerned, I'm placing my bets on popcorn knit sweaters, boots with daaa furrr (but not like THAT), and shearling. Throw in a few dolman and cape silhouettes with attached ribbed cuffs and you got the top covered. No pants for you!

Just kidding.

Perhaps I will give you pants. I will give you non-denim creations in a wide variety of tailored cuts. Some still skinny, some tapered, some artfully cropped and cuffed. Ta da! Fully clothed.
But really, pass on the denim. This year is not the year of the jean.

On a more reflective note, there is a clear reversion to more conservative styling going on all around us, especially this fall. A sigh of relief. Though I've been known for my mini dress/skirt/etc. getups, I never was a fan of overly tight-fitting attire. And let's face it, we're all getting older, even if we are still "young" by most standards. Piling on layers of interesting fabrics really excites me now. Large silk shirts and billowing trousers are quickly becoming close friends. [Side note: Except not when it flash thunderstorms when one is attempting to navigate home whilst wearing insanely large silk polka dotted pants and 5 inch platform sandals. This would be a time when billowing fabric quickly becomes soggy, twisted fabric and a foe! Blasphemy.]

But matronly? Never. Not when styled appropriately. A platform sandal or boot with an otherwise questionable ensemble can really do wonders. Add a jarring digital watch and some lip/cheek tint and you're good to go as long as the weather holds up.

Could my theoretical projections of the Fall 2010 to come also be linked to a fast approaching personal spinsterhood of large hair, large jewelzz, and large furs? Most likely, yes. But not all of us can be content to wear the uniform of current mainstream fashion day in and day out. I'll take the single life and a hot toddy too!

The Denim Mini Skirt in a Post Millennial World

I admit it. I held onto my Hollister denim mini skirt with sequins strewn about the pockets for entirely way too long. I would picture scenarios in my mind where this skirt could actually be acceptable to wear. These scenarios, naturally, involved mostly themed parties or my alabaster self in some sort of poser "beachy" situation.

One day, a few months ago, I finally let go.

I--at the very core of my being-- believe there are some articles of clothing that must be called "closet hermits." Not hermit like the crab, hermit like the crabby old recluse living in the woods behind your high school.

And not closet like closeted, closet like the literal glorious space where furs and luxurious silk pants are stored. (And if they are not, they should be!)

Anyway, the denim skirt is the coronated queen of the closet hermits. She hangs there: defiant, mainstream, yet unwearable in most social settings. Unsophisticated and brazenly holding onto the worst parts of the 90s aesthetic. A stereotypical wardrobe "staple" yet at the same time, not part of a functional wardrobe at all. Which leads me to ask: What does a grown adult actually DO with a denim mini skirt? Use it as a rag? Swaddle a newborn child in it?

Closet hermits in this post millennial world of ours cause myself significant stress. I feel active anxiety when an article of clothing is not being worn, yet is hanging in my closet. Obviously, me and the Hollister denim mini would exchange suspicious looks every time I opened the double doors to my closet at home.

Oh haaaaiiii denim mini. Fancy seeing you here! (Coughcough as you NEVER leave...) No, I will not be wearing you today. Today I cannot be mistaken for a 12 year old. And your attitude is not appreciated!

Etc. etc.

Then I realized a number of things, not the least of which was that I was both talking to an inanimate object and giving this object personality traits. Concerning.