Wa-BAM!

It can only be fitting to make my single post in the past month feature a high top snakeskin sneaker. This is where my mind is at. Wear this.

Exalt the Beanie!

We are a generation obsessed with slouch. Be it the baggy-crotch phenomenon of our middle school days or the current harem pant hooplah, something about strangely placed excess fabric appeals time after time to the now 20something population. In theory the slouchy beanie is a rather odd duck. You may find yourself asking, "What's so attractive about the alien-head look anyway????" This is, of course a rookie question. The beanie bundle of sweatery nonchalance has the ability to take one from a 6 to an 8 on the all important attractiveness scale. Or a 1 to a 3 for that matter (...hey, anything helps!!!)

A beanie can detract from an otherwise questionable face. A beanie can temporarily cure male pattern baldness, cowlicks, and unwashed hair. A beanie can turn a hungover, lazy, beardtastic scruff situation into a styled look. A beanie could beat a baseball hat in a duel without even knowing it was competing.

Why, hello beanie-wearer. Your look may not be the most original of all, but that'll do. That'll do.

Fauxty vs. Fo'ty: Battle to the Death!

Let us a play a game. Title: Fauxty vs. Fo'ty...

In keeping with faux fur/leather/jewelzZ as perfectly acceptable and chic garb for the current season, we will determine tasteful, youthful yet mature style and appearance as "fauxty." Think: elegant, yet age-defying. We should all aspire to this as the years pass.
On the flip side we have "fo'ty." This is characterized by an overly exaggerated appearance that is decidedly distasteful. Decisions of the fo'ty nature are often centered around excessive plastic surgery, overly young clothing, or simply trying far too hard to deny one's true age. The results of such choices usually result in a more aged appearance, rather than a younger one. Alas...

Linda Evangelista in the new Fall Talbots ads: (Fauxty.)




The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, wearing stretch shine satin: (Oh so fo'ty...)

Airbrushing Mishap on W Magazine: (FO'TY) vs Real Life Casual (Fauxty)



Victoria Beckham's Chest: (Blatantly fo'ty. Sorry...)

(To be continued)

--A special thanks to Adam Mohamed for providing inspiration here--

The Rolled Cuff: Potential Fashion Panacea?

Perhaps the rolled cuff trend hinges on a longing for the days when a woman showing her ankle was both erotic and scandalous. I do subscribe to the argument that the spans of leg between the lower calf and beginning of the ankle bone still holds some sort lingering aesthetic charm. (Not that "showing a little ankle" can really attract droves of men these days... but historically speaking it's a validated attempt!)

Regardless, the strategic nonchalant pant roll has a multitude of life benefits. And by life benefits I do mean important, earth shattering, and otherwise absolutely necessary for happiness. I cannot TELL you how many times I've salvaged an otherwise ill-fitting pant by rolling up the ankles and creating the illusion that all is well and good.

A slightly rolled pant (if executed correctly!! mustn't be too perfect or too precise!) can provide the following benefits:

1) Trick observers into thinking that your shoe matches the rest of the outfit. I call this the "buffer zone phenomenon." Think of those 2 inches of ankle as a visual field which combats the necessity for continuity between pant and shoe. Glory be!

2) Make your outfit appear as if it is more styled and contemporary than it actually is. The rolled pant indicates a mediated action upon dressing. It says: A minute or so of extra time was spent in thought about the aesthetic balance of the outfit. In other words, this person cares a little. NOT SO MUCH AS TO SEEM HIGH MAINTENANCE. But enough.

3) Create more substance on the bottom of the pant leg in order to detract from an ill fitting thigh-of-pant. This is particularly useful when trying to get away with wearing A RELAXED FIT TAPERED TROUSER SITUATION. A relaxed fit pant with a large leg opening, however, cannot be rolled without one appearing as if one just came from some sort of waterlogged terrain. There are some pants that truly cannot be saved.

4) Allow an otherwise casual pant to be paired with a heel. Again, this falls under the category of the buffer zone phenomenon. A truly priceless naturally occurring event!

But in all seriousness... Some winter picks

A return to a more subdued menswear look. Warm browns and utility-based brands translated to novelty accessories. Yes!

The Ambiguous White Sneaker: Part Deux

Because judging from recent sightings, this really does merit more discussion.

It has recently come to my attention (not to quote the Chloe Sevigny youtube spoofs) that there are several components differentiating an inoffensive white shoe from a dreadfully ambiguous white sneaker. Think Converse vs. any of the above footly delinquents. I'm speaking mostly about males here, as almost all modern day females have thankfully steered clear of this particular offense.

For newer readers: Please refer to my first white sneaker post for an introduction to the terrors of said ambiguity. Essentially, I concluded with the following:

A large white lumbering object on the foot is a sure fire buzz kill/swag kill/game kill.

And yes, I do speak from experience as an innocent bystander caught off guard by a STEALTH ambiguous white sneaker quietly tucked under the pants of a potential suitor. As I've said before, good thing I've got eyes like a hawk for things like this!

Anyway, onwards to new realizations about the issue at hand.

The following are the primary attributes of an ambiguous white sneaker:

1. That chunk-nasty sole: Really, any casual shoe with a noticeably tall/springy looking sole makes the wearer look slightly bewildered or out of place. Think: child, senior citizen, tourist aesthetic. Not particularly a smooth shoe. Not particularly a wise shoe. Platform soled shoes for men really haven't been acceptable since the 70s. And even then, the platforms were not of the rubbery/athletic variety. On top of all of this, recall that anything in white looks doubly large. So white + chunk + foot = spongey lumbering mess. Now that's a foul equation if I ever saw one.

2. A criss-cross velco strap: Though not on every ambiguous white shoe, this attribute denotes one specific subclass of the larger group: the stereotypical "Euro" sneaker. Let us recall the reason for velcro to be a shoe in the first place: the inability to tie one's laces. Thus, velcro straps poking out of a pant rarely appear adult and never appear streamlined. The sound of velcro is equivalent to the sound of your swag frantically scrambling away from yo misguided self.

3. Skewed toe-width to arch-width to heel-width ratio: (See 3rd picture from the top above.) Hourglass figures are ideal for female bodies, and not for much else in this world. So riddle me this: why in the Sam Hill would a straight male want to artificially create a feminine silhouette with his footwear? There is something incredibly offputting about a heavy, wide heel tapering into a feminine arch. And looorddd when a wide toe is thrown into the mix, all aesthetic hell breaks loose down there. Eek!


What to conclude from all of this? As I've said before, and I'll say once more: Males, exalt the slender soled canvas shoe!

Our dear old friend, the "CZ" Stud

One of my fabulous scouts has alerted me to a most unfortunate issue. An issue that I naively believed to be buried in the early 2000's. An issue that appears much more resistant to the purifying nature of cyclical fashionbiotics than I had hoped.

Now this isssssh(u) needs to be handled with a delicate hand, as it centers around a most delicate topic of taste in jewlz.

So let's get "real" here: nothing screams questionability like a massive cubic zirconia square-cut stud pulling down on ones earlobe.

Number one: We all know that a rock that size cannot exist outside of the Tower of London. Why must absurd exaggeration be the choice here? Particularly where diamond size is concerned, there is a steeply sloped bell-curve of believability. Something a little more subtle could in fact be perceived as legitimate. Oh the perils of catching the Diamondique bug!

Number two: We can hear your earlobe wailing and gnashing it's metaphoric teeth from here. For goodness sake, free the poor lobe from it's bedazzled torment!

Now, I must confess to owning a pair of cz's back in the day. This was approximately during the same time period when I deemed it appropriate to be wearing Air Force Ones. We must all forgive ourselves for stylistic transgressions of yesteryear. The important point here is that in 2010 there are many wonderful options for ear ornaments besides cubic zirconia - or real diamonds for that matter.